


Healing

by anderswasright



Category: Julius Caesar - Shakespeare
Genre: Canonical Character Death, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 02:51:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11500239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anderswasright/pseuds/anderswasright
Summary: Titinius reflecting on his feelings for Cassius before he dies.A very old ficlet I had originally posted in the Unkindestslash community on Livejournal. I revised it a bit since my English was far from perfect back then.





	Healing

You are lying here before me, in your own blood. Why couldn’t you wait? Why? Didn’t you see I have met with friends?  
Of course you didn’t. Your eyes were always weak. I can imagine what happened – you asked Pindarus what was happening, and the little rat lied. Lied because he always hated me. Did he know how much I loved you? Oh, how could you trust him, Caius? He felt that you were defeated, and he tricked you into despair and death. He knew your noble soul too well. Good for him he fled – I’d slay him without a question.

No, I will not search for him. I have other duties. I can’t stop my tears as I’m placing the laurels of victory on your brow. You have won – you died an honourable death.  
But you left me alone in this world. In a world where life is meaningless.

I never dared to tell you… you loved your brother-in-law, and only I know how badly he treated you. I remember the last night when we returned to our camp – you told me everything what happened in his tent. You wept in my embrace, but you didn’t feel the fire in my heart. No – I was no more than a friend. But I didn’t wish more. I wanted to see you happy – if that meant you loved Brutus, then with him. But you weren’t happy. He loved the Republic more – he never really understood your deadly, burning desire. I’m sure Brutus loved you better than he did any human being, including his wife, but still… Rome was his real spouse.

Once, on a cold evening, you invited me in your bed – but you didn’t mean it that way. You just wanted warmth – and you needed comfort. I was lying beside you, embracing you – and you never were more far. Your soul was crying for him, for his love. Maybe you knew he was never fully yours. You wanted to die that night, but I was there to stop you.

And now I wasn’t here when you needed me.

I hope when Brutus finds us he will finally understand what you meant for him. I want him to feel guilt. Would he ever die for you? No, he will die for his Rome. And what is Rome? A shadow, no more. The Republic doesn’t die with us – it has already died with Cato. You, my poor friend, were figthing for something that didn’t exist anymore.

I close your eyes, gently. You are smiling – I’m sure you see something beautiful. Oh, how I want to share in those sights. 

I take your sword. Let it be – let our blood mix, at least, in death, let me die by your side. Maybe the gods will have mercy on me, and they let me be with you in the underworld.  
I kiss your lips, slowly, as if I never wanted to stop – for the first and last time. Oh, how cold they are – and still, the kiss is wonderful. I’m sure you feel it. I smile and I raise the sword.  
Right into my heart! It cannot hurt more than it does already. I heal my pain with a different, sweet pain – my blood soaks my tunic, it drips from the blade, it mixes with yours, like I wanted. I embrace you with my last strength, and I fall into the darkness.


End file.
